Today was a really tough and emotional day. Before I start talking about the day, I want to talk about Rita (who we are calling "Emily" right now to help with the transition.) so that when I start to complain about this miserable day you won't think that I don't really love this child or know in my heart that there will be better days.
Rita is beautiful and strong and feisty and outspoken. She has the most adorable deep, throaty voice. She is very physical and active. During the moments that she relaxes with us she is very expressive with her laugh. She is not the little girl that was described on her paperwork, but she is amazing. And the fact that she loves Amanda with such passion is just an indication of her ability to attach and to love. I really look forward to the day that she accepts us as her family and we can really get to know her.
That being said, today was miserable. We had an appointment at the civil affairs office at 9 to officially accept her as our daughter (they give you a 24 hour "trial period.") Amanda came with us which I appreciated since we can't really navigate China that well, but also was kind of surprised by. She held Rita the entire time. So I showed up to the appointment with someone else (not my husband) is holding our daughter. The other family, whose little girl was screaming yesterday, was there as well. Sarah Beth, the little girl, was sitting happily on her mommy's lap. The appointment was long and stressful. On top of being really hungry since we didn't have breakfast, being stressed, being emotional in general, then extra emotional that my baby hates me, we showed up with the wrong money. We were told to bring U.S. dollars. Apparently our agency told people during the Beijing portion of the trip if they needed to exchange money. Since we did not go to Beijing, we did not get the information. So, like idiots, we are standing there with the wrong money while some other lady is holding our baby. The whole thing was a mess, at least to me. Chris was pretty busy trying to keep Lucy occupied. She is doing well, but she is definitely regressing a bit and demanding extra attention. That was not particularly welcome in front of a bunch of Chinese officials. When it came time to do Rita's footprint, Amanda held her and did her footprint. I stood there like an idiot who can't hold her own baby.
After the paperwork we all took a bus ride to have some photos done. When it was time for me to take Rita for her photo, she screamed her head off. As soon as the photo was done, she went right back to Amanda. It was so obvious that Rita had not bonded with is that our agency guide asked us if Rita had spent the night with Amanda or with us. She was inquiring on behalf of the adoption official who was voicing concern. He continued to voice concern on the cab ride back.
Amanda and I both agreed that things were not going as we had hoped. Rita is not warming up to us as quickly as we thought. While this is really hard on us, I know it is hard on Amanda as well. We spent the rest of the day trying to interact with Rita so that she would be ready to spend the night with us. We had some good moments and some tough moments. Chris stepped in in the afternoon and had some fun time with Lucy, Rita and Amanda. I will post some photos of this. It was really cute. I had to take a few minutes away to decompress. I am tired, frustrated, sick and emotional. Trying to get a two year old to love you is exhausting. Being hit and kicked and run away from by this same 2 year old is heartbreaking.
We had planned to take a trip to the Muslim Market in the evening. We just couldn't make it happen. We are all too tired. I hate that we are in China but not really experiencing China, but as Chris and I discussed, we are here for a purpose.
Lucy got really, really upset when we did not go to the Muslim Market. We were planning to go with the 3 volunteers who are staying in this same apartment. Lucy calls them "the sisters." They are 3 women in their early 20's and Lucy really likes them. She was sooooo disappointed not to go out with the sisters. I felt really bad about this because I could hear the sadness in her voice. Instead, Lucy and Mommy went to the playgound together in the drizzle and had some special time together. It was AWESOME to spend one on one time with Lucy and play together. It seems that I've had to reel her in a lot the past couple of days and I know she is frustrated with me. As much as I did not enjoy being out in the drizzle and chill, I really had fun with my Lucy. I just kept reminding myself that she did not like me at first either. Earlier in the day I had a little mini-breakdown. Lucy came over and gave me a big kiss and asked me what was wrong. I told her that mommy was tired and needed a few moments alone. She said "okay, but I am going to come back in a minute and kiss your whole face to make you feel better." She is so special.
The plan for this evening was to bring Rita's crib down into our room. The crib doesn't actually fit out the doorway so that did not happen. Instead, Lucy and Chris went upstairs with Rita and Amanda while I did laundry, dishes and worked on my expense report for work. (Hang on Mary - i'm working on it!) Chris tells me that Lucy and Rita had some good interaction. Eventually Lucy and Amanda fell asleep on the couch while Rita crashed in a bouncy seat. I went up around 9 and brought the crew back down to bed. Chris carried Rita down in the bouncy seat. She woke up about 1:00 am and got pretty upset. She won't let me comfort her. she just pushes me away and cries "Amanda, Amanda." I just laid there with her and watcher her cry. I tried to rub her back but she pushes my arm away. I tried to change her diaper but she wasn't having it. She is strong!! Chris went and go her a bottle but she wasn't interested. Finally she fell asleep around 2:00.
So now I should try to get some sleep. Tomorrow is going to be tough as well. Chris and I both agree that we can't let Rita spend any time with Amanda. We hate that, but it seems like the only thing we can do. Rita is not going to be a happy girl.
I also want to thank everyone who has sent encouraging emails and blog comments. I cannot get to my blog, but my wonderful friend Ana forwarded them via email. I really appreciate the prayers. That is exactly what we need right now! Prayers for Rita's heart. Prayers for my health to hang in there. And prayers for me and Chris to stay strong. I also want to thank my friend Heather who commented on the blog that we were "brave" to do the transition this way. I hadn't thought of it like that and that comment really helped me. I am certainly not feeling brave, but hopefully this is making the emotional transition better for Rita in the long run. Nobody ever said that adoption was easy. I think it must be like childbirth. You forget how hard it is so you do it again!
Tomorrow we will have progress. I am sure of it.
Rita is beautiful and strong and feisty and outspoken. She has the most adorable deep, throaty voice. She is very physical and active. During the moments that she relaxes with us she is very expressive with her laugh. She is not the little girl that was described on her paperwork, but she is amazing. And the fact that she loves Amanda with such passion is just an indication of her ability to attach and to love. I really look forward to the day that she accepts us as her family and we can really get to know her.
That being said, today was miserable. We had an appointment at the civil affairs office at 9 to officially accept her as our daughter (they give you a 24 hour "trial period.") Amanda came with us which I appreciated since we can't really navigate China that well, but also was kind of surprised by. She held Rita the entire time. So I showed up to the appointment with someone else (not my husband) is holding our daughter. The other family, whose little girl was screaming yesterday, was there as well. Sarah Beth, the little girl, was sitting happily on her mommy's lap. The appointment was long and stressful. On top of being really hungry since we didn't have breakfast, being stressed, being emotional in general, then extra emotional that my baby hates me, we showed up with the wrong money. We were told to bring U.S. dollars. Apparently our agency told people during the Beijing portion of the trip if they needed to exchange money. Since we did not go to Beijing, we did not get the information. So, like idiots, we are standing there with the wrong money while some other lady is holding our baby. The whole thing was a mess, at least to me. Chris was pretty busy trying to keep Lucy occupied. She is doing well, but she is definitely regressing a bit and demanding extra attention. That was not particularly welcome in front of a bunch of Chinese officials. When it came time to do Rita's footprint, Amanda held her and did her footprint. I stood there like an idiot who can't hold her own baby.
After the paperwork we all took a bus ride to have some photos done. When it was time for me to take Rita for her photo, she screamed her head off. As soon as the photo was done, she went right back to Amanda. It was so obvious that Rita had not bonded with is that our agency guide asked us if Rita had spent the night with Amanda or with us. She was inquiring on behalf of the adoption official who was voicing concern. He continued to voice concern on the cab ride back.
Amanda and I both agreed that things were not going as we had hoped. Rita is not warming up to us as quickly as we thought. While this is really hard on us, I know it is hard on Amanda as well. We spent the rest of the day trying to interact with Rita so that she would be ready to spend the night with us. We had some good moments and some tough moments. Chris stepped in in the afternoon and had some fun time with Lucy, Rita and Amanda. I will post some photos of this. It was really cute. I had to take a few minutes away to decompress. I am tired, frustrated, sick and emotional. Trying to get a two year old to love you is exhausting. Being hit and kicked and run away from by this same 2 year old is heartbreaking.
We had planned to take a trip to the Muslim Market in the evening. We just couldn't make it happen. We are all too tired. I hate that we are in China but not really experiencing China, but as Chris and I discussed, we are here for a purpose.
Lucy got really, really upset when we did not go to the Muslim Market. We were planning to go with the 3 volunteers who are staying in this same apartment. Lucy calls them "the sisters." They are 3 women in their early 20's and Lucy really likes them. She was sooooo disappointed not to go out with the sisters. I felt really bad about this because I could hear the sadness in her voice. Instead, Lucy and Mommy went to the playgound together in the drizzle and had some special time together. It was AWESOME to spend one on one time with Lucy and play together. It seems that I've had to reel her in a lot the past couple of days and I know she is frustrated with me. As much as I did not enjoy being out in the drizzle and chill, I really had fun with my Lucy. I just kept reminding myself that she did not like me at first either. Earlier in the day I had a little mini-breakdown. Lucy came over and gave me a big kiss and asked me what was wrong. I told her that mommy was tired and needed a few moments alone. She said "okay, but I am going to come back in a minute and kiss your whole face to make you feel better." She is so special.
The plan for this evening was to bring Rita's crib down into our room. The crib doesn't actually fit out the doorway so that did not happen. Instead, Lucy and Chris went upstairs with Rita and Amanda while I did laundry, dishes and worked on my expense report for work. (Hang on Mary - i'm working on it!) Chris tells me that Lucy and Rita had some good interaction. Eventually Lucy and Amanda fell asleep on the couch while Rita crashed in a bouncy seat. I went up around 9 and brought the crew back down to bed. Chris carried Rita down in the bouncy seat. She woke up about 1:00 am and got pretty upset. She won't let me comfort her. she just pushes me away and cries "Amanda, Amanda." I just laid there with her and watcher her cry. I tried to rub her back but she pushes my arm away. I tried to change her diaper but she wasn't having it. She is strong!! Chris went and go her a bottle but she wasn't interested. Finally she fell asleep around 2:00.
So now I should try to get some sleep. Tomorrow is going to be tough as well. Chris and I both agree that we can't let Rita spend any time with Amanda. We hate that, but it seems like the only thing we can do. Rita is not going to be a happy girl.
I also want to thank everyone who has sent encouraging emails and blog comments. I cannot get to my blog, but my wonderful friend Ana forwarded them via email. I really appreciate the prayers. That is exactly what we need right now! Prayers for Rita's heart. Prayers for my health to hang in there. And prayers for me and Chris to stay strong. I also want to thank my friend Heather who commented on the blog that we were "brave" to do the transition this way. I hadn't thought of it like that and that comment really helped me. I am certainly not feeling brave, but hopefully this is making the emotional transition better for Rita in the long run. Nobody ever said that adoption was easy. I think it must be like childbirth. You forget how hard it is so you do it again!
Tomorrow we will have progress. I am sure of it.
Oh Teresa, I just wanted to cry right along with you. This was a tough day for you. I KNOW tomorrow will be better. You HAVE been brave! There's been a quote rattling around in my brain since I read your post yesterday and I found the exact words, so I'll share them with you - I think the first part really applies, and I hope it is helpful. This is from the Princess Diaries, its from the letter Mia's father has written for her 16th birthday: "Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear. The brave may not live forever, but the cautious do not live at all. From now on, you'll be traveling the road between who you think you are and who you can be. The key is to allow yourself to make the journey."
ReplyDeleteYou are all on a new journey as a family now. We are praying for you lots and lots and spreading the word for extra prayers.
Heather
Teresa, I am so sorry this has been such a frustrating experience, especially when you've anticipated the scene for months and tried so hard to make it easier.
ReplyDeleteIt's got to be hard not to take it personally, but here are a couple things to think about:
1) you've got a daughter who is smart and knows what's happening
2) remember the psychology of a 2 year old?? Think Santa Claus, Easter Bunny...this is an age where kids are able to be apprehensive. Most love may need to be subtle love. SO hard, I'm sure.
I love that you've had so much love and encouragement from Lucy. You've prepped her for that big girl role and she's "got it".
Love you all,
Mary and Jeff
I feel for you, but remember the good thing about this: this girl knows how to attach and you should be VERY happy about that! (But I really do understand your miserable right now....) Rita is one smart cookie though and knows what is happening; she's clinging to Amanda for dear life... She doen't want to say goodbye to her home and all the people she loves!
ReplyDeleteShe'll be okay though, and will very quickly attach to you. This was the case with Norah too.
Jet